I was in the car driving home. It was a hot day and I was tired as hell so I decided to sleep , trying to ignore the nausea of spending the whole day sweating, breathing the humid air to being waved in the flat face with the sharp sting of the air conditioner.
Laying my head against the window thinking about last night or small bits of it , slightly smiling . I have this habit of remembering cute moments and smiling like a shameless idiot . Its the best thing .
But it didn’t last long – a sudden tapping made me open my eyes .A woman was outside on the other side of the window , preseing her heart out for pennies, but before I could respond we drove away .
Fat . Fat is a great source of energy that we get from several food groups. It is a layer of insulation under our skin and over our muscles . And according to many opinions of the modern world, magazines ,tv shows , men women, boys and girls and the multiple tormenting voices in my head – its highly unattractive.
I was a chunby child , an overweight teenager , and I’ve been fat in general – but it doesn’t matter where I go from here , because I will always be fat .
Even if I do lose my extra pounds I will still be fat .
Try not to take me wrong please – I know that a lot of fat cannot be a healthy option , and Im not in any denial. I know that the general world looks upon it as ugly . It dounds shallow and rude in writing – because the world is shallow and rude in experience, no matter how much they sugarcoat , ignore or deny it . They hurt. I won’t be surprised to hear if some people commit suicide just because of body image trouble.
So I thought I should finally take some time out and talk about my twenty years in this body , that has haunted me.
I think girls all over the world regardless of background feel the need or pressure to be beautiful – especially when they are small and think photoshopped pictures are real or when are growing old and are constantly beating themselves up about it .
Everything sort falls down or comes back just to the way you look .
Enough about that – back to me.
I was a very bubbly kid – one with too much personality who enjoyed throwing tantrums and was the center of attention, but compared to other kids by the time I was about 12 ,it became obvious that I was on the large side . It didn’t bother me when I was younger – but the life long scar seed was buried in me then , without any understanding of it .
Its starts with the way they touch you . Where ever you go people reach out for your cheeks or lightly slap you on the hips or gently tuck you in the belly.
Then comes the duality of certain nicknames , that indicate your chubbiness. Its not bullying just gentle fun , which was always followed by someone older telling you to not listen to them or ‘ dont take what they say to heart ‘ – you know like your part of a the freak show and there is something to be ashamed of .
At school kids can be cruel . Not little kids but the slowly turning into teenager kids . Girls are mean to each other in a hundred different Ways . I blame their mothers .And mob mentality.
At this stage kids may not pay their bodies a lot of attention as the its still the parents job to make sure they get to school clean . At least that’s how I remember it .
The trouble of being different , looking , sounding or feeling different swings up around kids eventually when they are treated different .
Then puberty happens .And does it.The panic of finding blood between your legs and on your white uniform . Not knowing what’s going on . I thought I was dying .
These are things girls like to talk about at first , then they stop . Then when physical developments become more obvious – body shaming reaches a new level . You can’t be carefree anymore. You have to make sure no one sees anything they should not see . But among the hush hush you begin to judge yourself more – now you are more self aware.
A young person – no longer a child . At least that’s what they tell you and you believe them.
By this time you hate yourself – and try really bad ways to shed those pounds . A lot of times you try the simple stuff , like not taking sugar in your tea anymore and then secretly taking medications without telling anyone.
Its a sad point , that nobody actually sees how bad it is .seriously why couldn’t you be like the girl in the movies, like the ones everyone circled around . Who stood out in a crowd – and probably weren’t reminded every three minutes later that they were fat . That something was wrong with them .
The strange thing is that people dont seem to see how double sided they are. They seem to think that they are doing us a favour , by telling us what we are a little louder than everyone else . But no you’re not . At least not for me . I know that I’m fat . Even those in denial know it – what we would like is to be noticed for other things about us to .
And another odd thing society tells you is that – nothing good can happen to you if you are fat . Like all good things are at a full stop because of it .
No one will marry you because you are fat .
No one will like you because you are fat.
They will say things about you.
They will make fun of you – and all the rest .
People with this sense of innocent mockery will mention how much you need to lose weight , for obvious reasons. They seem to think they are only ones telling us , trust me , you are only one in the hundred.
And some stuff is really strange.
” You’re really pretty you just have to lose weight ”
So am I pretty or not or is your assessment of my looks on hold.
These are also the people who go around telling other people about how much God loves you and how He made you perfect just the way you are . But with you they turn the other cheek .
Its in the very language. I can’t help but feel that I’ve been targeted about my body my whole life . Probably why I dont go out that much , the more you do the more you are reminded of it. That somehow this is my only prominent feature and its something they would want to talk about or make jokes about ,so , why face the embarrassment.
I’m not running away from it . Its just that I wonder if I was less large the words would be different. Would I have been happier? Someone who is not spiteful of the world ?
I probably would. Its a strange matrix in itself .But thats how it is .
I can try to be nice all I want , but counts up to nothing in this ‘lose weight to get hitched world ‘ . Even if I do lose weight, I think I would just be reminded of how fat I used to be once .
And no – there is nothing spiritually or morally wrong with being fat – but they make you feel it down to your bones. There was so much I did not do because I had a low opinion of myself .
I will always be fat . And you know what its perfectly okay . Its nothing to be ashamed of – it may have taken me a while to realize but its not the end of the world if you are a little chunky and you should let people treat you any less because of what you look like . This world is about survival and for me being a good person and I refuse to be pushed around about the way I look anymore. Besides the same people who bullied me about my weight are the same who bullied other people about their skin colour or financial background.
There will be no one to the bullying, but there can be an end to how much you let it hurt of touch you . I am no less of a person than anyone else. I may have a few flaws and be shy but they can be fixed .
I’m going to love myself now . And nobody can take that away from me .
Maheen's Muse 