The air is sweeter and lighter almost, by the end of the river. It is also clean of smells, the water is a safe place to be, and it is a safe place to hide from everyone in a village. You could avoid studying, avoid all the relatives, not be bothered by the missing chickens, and if nothing else you could drift along the tide and feel safe falling asleep on the water.
Adnan, as young as he was, had the responsibility of taking the buffaloes to the river. It was one job he enjoyed, since the buffaloes wouldn’t run off, and just clean themselves up, while he and the other boys swam in the heat and sunshine. He was thin boy, but healthy with small features, nothing extraordinary about him, so no one really said anything about him. Maybe there are boys who make people feel like they can change the course of history, maybe it is people who make those boys feel that way.
But Adnan never felt that way, and he was only fourteen, so there was no world outside of being a shepherd, or swimming and collecting marbles. The world stood small with a clear path to the future, that is not thought about or discussed until your parents want you to. His mother loved him, the youngest son, and his father just the same, and so did the rest of the family, and maybe love is enough a shell to avoid worrying about being nothing to anyone else.
One time, a baby buffalo went lose into the village, and Adnan had to find it the sunflower fields, and instead of going back home, he stayed there and played his bansari till the sun went down.
“I’m home”, he announced locking the wooden door behind him.
” You should have come later” the father taunted him, ” It’s not like there is any work in the house”
” Sorry”, the boy took his pugg off, and sat down to eat with everyone.
” Eat quickly” his handed him a glass, ” I want you to go into town, and give some things to your khala there”
” Why not send the older boys?” came the father’s response
” They have two young daughters. It would be indecent to send the older boys there”
” They are brothers and sisters just the same”
” But they are older now, we cannot treat them like children anymore. Besides her daughter is sick, she might feel better seeing Adnan”
“I’ll go Ammi” he got up, ready for instructions.
He had to take many things with him into the city. Sun flower oil, brown sugar, flowers, silver plates, ghee, lassi, and some vegetables his Ammi had made earlier. He was going to his khala’s house, and he was lucky enough to fing a tanga, just outside the village. The horses had stopped outside their house, deep within Gujrat.
“Thank you” he payed the man, and lightly knocked the wooden door.
He stood outside for a few minutes struggling to hold his things, until someone finally opened the door.
” Come in Son”, his Khala welcomed him right in and kissed him on the forehead.
” Didn’t your mother come?” she asked walking up the stairs, with him behind her, now without the load.
“No” he said politely, ” She had guests over”
As they got up he could see in the room upstairs alone was his older cousin, Izzat. Still as a rock in her bed, covered with two blankets, her long black curls spread all over her pillow. Her pale skin seemed yellow, like she was sick, and from her face you’d think she was unable to sleep .
“Izzat” her mother whispered in her ear” look who came to see you?”
She opened her eyes slowly, and when saw the boy she smiled, ” What a surprise”
“Salaam Bajee” Adnan nodded in respect.
” He brought your sunflower oil with him. I’ll massage it in your hair in the morning when you feel better” her mother gently helped her sit up on the bed.
” Jee Ammi” she sighed .
Adnan and Izzat were alone after that, and she asked him about everything under the sun. She asked him about his trip, the village, the people there, the sunflower fields, the buffaloes, the festivals, the kite flying, the crazy lady by the river and finally the river. She stopped at the river, as if the earth stopped with a magnificent halt there.
” I wish I lived in the Village. I could breathe in fresh air, and go swimming in the river and just float there…in peace” she sighed stretching her arms wide open, closing her eyes to imagine it better.
“Why don’t you come visit us then” he asked innocently with all the good intentions in the world.
A light laugh escaped her mouth as she turned her head away from him. It left the boy confused, and he didn’t know how to respond.
“Haven’t you noticed Adnan” she looked at the ceiling ” I’m dying”.
A long pause held the silence in the room, until it finally slipped from his mouth.
” I don’t understand”
She didn’t laugh this time only smiled. ” I’m sick…very sick. I might not be alive for long. I should not expect to understand, you’re just a child” she sighed loudly.
” How is everyone doing? ” his Khala came in the room with drinks for the two of them. She brought an unwanted cheerfulness with her in the air, and it began to suffocate him, he wanted to leave, and quick.
“I have to leave” Adnan loudly left the room and house.
” What happened?” the mother asked with laugh .
“Nothing happened” Izzat smiled sadly and closed her eyes.
Adnan was uneasy for the following few days, and he did not visit his cousin during that time, but his mother went almost everyday to help at the house. She was going there a lot more, ever since Izzat got sick.
He spent his time near the river trying not to think about her, but it was hard since his mother always talked about her, and it only reminded him about the sad sight he had to see that night, and what she said to him. It was such a odd and frightful thing to say, even if she was sick, how could she know she was going to die. Nobody knows that.
But at some point with his feet in the cool water, his back against the sun, Adnan felt like he should visit her, just to let her know that.
And so he did. He got his donkey this time, and rode into the city and got there a few hours before the sun was supposed to set.
” Izzat?” Adnan pulled the curtain aside and walked into her room, to find her reading some papers.
” You’re back” she shifted in a startled manner, and put the pages away behind her pillow.
” Yes I wanted to give you company”
” Oh” she smiled ” And what would you like to do?”
” We could talk like we did last time”
“Alright” she sighed ” About what?”
“Anything”
“If you say so. Tell me about the river, what’s it like?”
“Chenab is fine as always, but Baba says that he thinks its getting smaller, it seems alright to me. I went for a swim today, while Bhai took over the buffaloes. The water was nice, but I couldn’t get any fish.”
“Sounds like great fun. I went there once, when my father was alive. He and I went there alone, and I went swimming to, but only close to the shore. It was such a good. We came to your house afterwards, you were a baby back then”.
Adnan smiled sensing a change in her ” How is your health now?”
Her face fell immediately and she looked up at the wall again, ” It hasn’t changed much”
“You should think happy thoughts” Adnan chripped.
” I do, but I don’t feel happy thoughts” she shook her head , ” What do you have planned for your future?”
” I’ll do the same thing as my Baba I guess. I’ll be a farmer”
“Do you go to school?”
“Yes. But I don’t like it much” he rubbed his head, ” I know you like to read and study. My Ammi told that you’re really educated”
” Not as much as anyone else. I do enjoy reading novels and stories”
” Maybe that’s why you’re always sad”
Izzat looked at the boy up and down ” Are you saying reading makes people sad?”
” Yes” he nodded innocently.
“Who told you that?”
” I just heard it somewhere”
” Well its not true. Reading gives me an idea about the world, and it allows me to escape and see things in ways I never thought I would”
” Yes.., but you’re still sad. You’re the saddest girl I know”
Izzat smiled reaching out for the boys hand, ” Maybe you should look around harder, you might someone just like me. And if you do tell me”
” I promise” Adnan saluted.
” Good” she bent her head into her pillow.
Adnan spent more and more time at his aunts house since that they. He felt proud that Izzat looked less sick and sad since then, and he felt some how in his childish heart that he could save her from dying. But who can keep death away from the dying?
” Izzat, I’m here” Adnan walked into the room with some food.
She had those papers in her hands again, but this time she was writing and not reading. She put the pages behind her pillow again, just like last time. But this time Adnan felt frank enough to ask her.
“Why do you keep hiding those pages?”
” It’s a secret” she whispered, ” Don’t tell anyone”
” I won’t”
“Like I was saying last time, Adnan, you really should start thinking about your future. If you study well, you could get out of this place, make a name for yourself. I don’t know, maybe even see the world. You just have to work hard and not let anyone tell you otherwise”
” Okay. I you say so”
” I mean it, I don’t want to have to think you wasted your life away, or that I wasn’t able to teach you anything before I-”
The room fell silent again, until Izzat began to whisper to the boy, making sure no one else could hear.
“I wasn’t always this weak and useless. I had the whole house moving steady and I thought if I could just study a bit more I could become a teacher and bring money and food home. But ever since I got sick, I’ve been nothing but a burden. My younger brothers and sisters have to do everything, while all I can do watch while I waste away”
A few tears swelled up in Adnan’s eyes, but he refused to make a sound. He said nothing.
“I wonder why…why…why would Allah do such a thing” she heaved loudly,” Weren’t we hurt and defenseless enough?”
“You shouldn’t say things like that” Adnan’s voice broke as he lowered his head to the floor, letting a few drops fall.
“I can’t help but feel these things…Or imagine these thoughts” her voice was calm, with no strain or sadness, just hollow.
“What do get from them?” Adnan shot with a sudden rage
” I get what I have,” she replied with the same indifference,” I get and have nothing”
Adnan took a deep breath and looked up at her smiling face, ” I’m sorry” he cried.
” It’s fine to cry little one” she held his hand, ” I did the same, when I was away at the hospital in Lahore. My tears have all dried away and I’ve accepted things as they are. I won’t have much of a life, I’ll never get married…no one will marry me. I won’t go to school again, I won’t be able to see my brother and sister grow old, I can only pray for them…and that I do”
“And me?” Adnan asked trying to lighten the mood.
“Yes for you to” she smiled, ” You’ve filled my time up with your stories and given me lots of ideas”
” Ideas for what?”
” That’s not important” she bit her lip.
“Yes it is” Adnan insisted,” What are you hiding?”
“Alright I’ll tell you” Izzat shifted her position and from a cupboard behind her pillow she took a small box. She opened to reveal lots of fine yellow papers, with neat skilled handwriting. It was Urdu like Arabic calligraphy.
” It’s beautiful” Adnan felt happy that she trusted him with this secret.
” I wrote stories and one novel in Urdu. In Punjabi I have a few dream recollections and thoughts. I even have some poems in English” Izzat’s face glowed as she flipped the pages for him.
” What did you write about?” Adnan moved closer as she put the box away, and hid it under some clothes.
“Lets see, the novel is about a girl from Gujrat. She has grand dreams, and likes to think that in her passed life, she was a princess, living in a large white palace. She eventually leaves the city in search of something like that fantasy, and she gets married to a nice man, and thinks about changing her name…and I’m still thinking about her ending. The poems are about a soldier fighting for the freedom of his land” she smiled widely.
” Wow! I would love to read about that” Adnan got excited and was amazed at how she suddenly came to life.
“Everything else are my thoughts since I got sick” realization hit her eyes again and stole the light from them.
He didn’t notice this time, “Have you thought about giving these to the news paper or have them turned into a book?”
“I might If I live long enough” she nodded to herself, ” I just don’t feel like I’ve expressed myself fully yet. Once I do, I’ll waste no time in it”
“I’ll be there to watch, and I’ll tell everyone in the village and city” he clapped thinking about the future
“Adnan” Izzat held on to him again, ” If not me, then you have to get the message across. You have to get me across to the people. You have to hold on to me until I can cross over. You have to help me pass”
The boy felt afraid all of a sudden, he knew how difficult if would be, all his lust for life went away for that moment and he could only see great forces preventing him and her.
“You shouldn’t leave your will on me. I’m more likely to fail you , and everyone knows this”
With the passing weaks, Izzat only grew worse and Adnan was not allowed to be there anymore. The elders thought it would be best for the girl to be alone and peaceful until she got better.
The boy spent his time by the river, hoping and praying for her to live. He would play his flute to the river until sun down and then pray. He was full of hope, but perhaps he only prayed with such vigilance because he was afraid.
Till one day he was out with the calf, his brother came over to see him. And just by the manner of him approaching he realized that something was wrong.
“She died this morning Adnan. Just before the sunrise” he held the boy close as he said nothing.
He did not go to the funeral or to the house for the coming days. He said nothing and made no mention of anything, and it made everyone indifferent to his emotionless trance. His breakfast and dinner was lunch for the dogs, and more than once he forgot to bring the cows back home.
He was staring at himself in the river one day when he remembered that Izzat had written some things she wanted the world to see, and he had promised to take care of them. It was the least he could do, and he had to do it.
He walked towards her house, and walked knowing that everyone was probably still shaken. He made his way upstairs, but just had he did, he saw his aunt with the box that Izzat hid her things in, and at her feet was a fire burning, and in that fire were the yellow papers with blood and tears in them, turning into ashes.
Adnan gasped and in the shock of it all started to cry. The whole house heard him, even his mother.
Maheen's Muse 